For fuck sakes. Ive been in this debbie downer depressive state all week and im kind of over it. I think part of the reason is, I'm just not happy in life. Straight up. I feel empty and like their is so much more for me out there. My life is boring and systematic. I want to travel. I want to see things. I want to be deeply in love. I want to be needed by someone. Aside from my kids. I need to be fulfilled. I constantly feel like I put my heart into things only to be made to look like a fool that read the signs wrong. I'm over it. I see alot of shitty people that are in great relationships. What the hell makes them so deserving? I personally think I'm a great catch, but I'm going to be 32 this year and I am starting to get more and more comfortable with the fact that it may just be me and my girls. Am I ok with that....absolutely. I love my girls to death. But my heart and soul yearns for so much more and has room for so much more. Sometimes feeling close to someone is just not enough. Sometimes I can't get enough. But I don't know that im clear on what "enough" is. Am I needy or just lonely? How does one tell the difference? I feel like I've lived a life of which I shouldn't be finding myself lonely. But I do. Its an unexplainable feeling and not one that I enjoy. I often have a hard time falling asleep and staying alseep. I just cannot shut my brain off. Love, life, bills, money, kids....it never ends. Its a fucking shit show up there. But I think it all comes down to wanting companionship. I just want to be happy with someone. I constantly have this quote going through my head...."a love so deep even the ocean would be jealous"....I need that. I don't know what else to do to make myself a better person and make me more marketable for that special someone, but I'm convinced im just going to be single forever. Single with many guy friends who I've either dated or won't date or they wont date me because: I have kids and its alot of responsibility, my ex is crazy (which I admit, he is, but whatever!), they can't give me what I want (whatever the fuck that is) oh the list goes on and on....either way, that is me and my love life in a nutshell. Pretty fucking bland and depressing.
I'm convinced that this city is not for me to find love in.
Monday, February 24, 2014
State of affairs
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1 comment:
Oh Jackie....we always think it's something we're doing wrong. You are a lovely, funny, smart and, to top it off, beautiful woman. Sadly, there are a lot of frogs out there :S finding the prince is more like finding the needle in that haystack. I was in the same boat as you, and I'm sure a lot of very eligible women are.
I have a few friends who do the online dating thing and I have two good friends who met their spouse that way. It always seemed like a daunting process to me, but I would have done it eventually.
Or the other thing I saw that was pretty cool is Events and Adventures. Google it :) you are an amazing woman, and you will find your prince :)
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