For fuck sakes. Ive been in this debbie downer depressive state all week and im kind of over it. I think part of the reason is, I'm just not happy in life. Straight up. I feel empty and like their is so much more for me out there. My life is boring and systematic. I want to travel. I want to see things. I want to be deeply in love. I want to be needed by someone. Aside from my kids. I need to be fulfilled. I constantly feel like I put my heart into things only to be made to look like a fool that read the signs wrong. I'm over it. I see alot of shitty people that are in great relationships. What the hell makes them so deserving? I personally think I'm a great catch, but I'm going to be 32 this year and I am starting to get more and more comfortable with the fact that it may just be me and my girls. Am I ok with that....absolutely. I love my girls to death. But my heart and soul yearns for so much more and has room for so much more. Sometimes feeling close to someone is just not enough. Sometimes I can't get enough. But I don't know that im clear on what "enough" is. Am I needy or just lonely? How does one tell the difference? I feel like I've lived a life of which I shouldn't be finding myself lonely. But I do. Its an unexplainable feeling and not one that I enjoy. I often have a hard time falling asleep and staying alseep. I just cannot shut my brain off. Love, life, bills, money, kids....it never ends. Its a fucking shit show up there. But I think it all comes down to wanting companionship. I just want to be happy with someone. I constantly have this quote going through my head...."a love so deep even the ocean would be jealous"....I need that. I don't know what else to do to make myself a better person and make me more marketable for that special someone, but I'm convinced im just going to be single forever. Single with many guy friends who I've either dated or won't date or they wont date me because: I have kids and its alot of responsibility, my ex is crazy (which I admit, he is, but whatever!), they can't give me what I want (whatever the fuck that is) oh the list goes on and on....either way, that is me and my love life in a nutshell. Pretty fucking bland and depressing.
I'm convinced that this city is not for me to find love in.
Monday, February 24, 2014
State of affairs
Monday, February 3, 2014
Hold up, wait a minute
So, its been a bit over a week since my last post and so much has happened since! The first thing that happened was my ex's mom passing away. Obviously, the Grandmother to my children. It was a weird time. I am not at all interested in reconnecting with my ex at all, and this whole situation kind of made us connect. I felt bad for him. His mom was his best friend. But it still doesn't defeat the fact that I still dislike him more than anything. It actually pisses me off that I feel sad for him. Its a fucked up feeling. The kids seem to be ok. Simone is way to grown for her own good and I could tell she was really just holding back tears the whole funeral. Just like her momma. Always holding back real emotion. I gotta get her out of that. It was a turning moment for my babies, but I know they know how much their Yia Yia loved them, and that is more than most can ask for.
Simone had her cast removed today, so she can now start physio on her pinky! Which leads me to a topic I've been wanting to bring up....there are times when my kids ask me questions, and I just straight up ignore them. I am not even going to lie. Sometimes their questions are so ridiculous, I have to allow them some time to just sit on it, because I don't think they have really thought out what they are asking. Like, holy shit. Does being a mother now make you psychic? We were going to the funeral last week, Simone asks me where it is, I tell her and then she proceeds to ask me, "how many stops is that?" (meaning bus stops).....she then quickly said, "oh nevermind..." and I'm like "damn right, nevermind. How in the Hell would you expect me to know that?! that's just crazy!" I don't even know where she comes up with this shit. Either way, I think us as parents need to do this more often. Honestly, we can't really be expected to answer every retarded question these little people have?? Come on. What the Hell is Google for then?? They need to be more self sufficient. Love me or hate me, I don't give a shit, I WILL and have told my Simone to Google shit. Google is the Daddy in my house, lol. I remember teachers in school telling me to try and figure it before coming to them....nowadays, even grown ass people in the workplace, are always asking redundant questions and looking for re-assurance....what happened to these people as children??? I watch my supervisor (bless her heart) get some real asshole questions from people that should really know the answers. Her method is to basically put the question back on them with the hopes that it reassures them and their confidence. Great. She is a great supervisor for many reasons, this being one of them. I told her last week, I respect her for what she does, cause if I were her, I would be like Mr. Burns and have an opening at the foot of my desk that I could just dispose of the foolish people and their asshole questions. Girl bye!
Noticed last week that my learners licence that I have had for over 16 yrs. has expired once again! FML. One day people. One day. Cause Lord knows I am tired of the assholes on transit. fools. they are all fools.
My girl Alana came into town from Thunder Bay and we had quite the wine date! I spent my whole weekend drunk and hungover. It was great! Completely lost track of time and didn't realize that I was supposed to be going out in an hour, which was funny because I was so wasted. I was a complete hot mess, totally reckless, just like I like to be on my days off! Saturday was similar, although that evening I enjoyed a delicious dinner at Las Margarita's with my nuggets and my half sister, Melody. The girl is gorgeous. I am secretly jealous of my mixed sisters. I wish I had their looks. But whatever, you can't win em all! I've been reconnecting with my other halves for the last year. I was doing it more for my kids at first, and now I feel as though its worked as a somewhat therapy for me. Either way, I had some anxiety about our dinner date, and of course, like everything else I get anxiety about, it was totally fine. Great conversation, good food and even better booze! I'm looking forward to getting to know Melody better as well as myself.
Now, with only hours left until the end of my day, I am making a promise that I will go to the gym tonight....as I say that I know its a lie because I have PVR'd Monday Night Raw for my "friend" and I know he will be over to watch...ugh. Life is so complicated sometimes!
Simone had her cast removed today, so she can now start physio on her pinky! Which leads me to a topic I've been wanting to bring up....there are times when my kids ask me questions, and I just straight up ignore them. I am not even going to lie. Sometimes their questions are so ridiculous, I have to allow them some time to just sit on it, because I don't think they have really thought out what they are asking. Like, holy shit. Does being a mother now make you psychic? We were going to the funeral last week, Simone asks me where it is, I tell her and then she proceeds to ask me, "how many stops is that?" (meaning bus stops).....she then quickly said, "oh nevermind..." and I'm like "damn right, nevermind. How in the Hell would you expect me to know that?! that's just crazy!" I don't even know where she comes up with this shit. Either way, I think us as parents need to do this more often. Honestly, we can't really be expected to answer every retarded question these little people have?? Come on. What the Hell is Google for then?? They need to be more self sufficient. Love me or hate me, I don't give a shit, I WILL and have told my Simone to Google shit. Google is the Daddy in my house, lol. I remember teachers in school telling me to try and figure it before coming to them....nowadays, even grown ass people in the workplace, are always asking redundant questions and looking for re-assurance....what happened to these people as children??? I watch my supervisor (bless her heart) get some real asshole questions from people that should really know the answers. Her method is to basically put the question back on them with the hopes that it reassures them and their confidence. Great. She is a great supervisor for many reasons, this being one of them. I told her last week, I respect her for what she does, cause if I were her, I would be like Mr. Burns and have an opening at the foot of my desk that I could just dispose of the foolish people and their asshole questions. Girl bye!
Noticed last week that my learners licence that I have had for over 16 yrs. has expired once again! FML. One day people. One day. Cause Lord knows I am tired of the assholes on transit. fools. they are all fools.
My girl Alana came into town from Thunder Bay and we had quite the wine date! I spent my whole weekend drunk and hungover. It was great! Completely lost track of time and didn't realize that I was supposed to be going out in an hour, which was funny because I was so wasted. I was a complete hot mess, totally reckless, just like I like to be on my days off! Saturday was similar, although that evening I enjoyed a delicious dinner at Las Margarita's with my nuggets and my half sister, Melody. The girl is gorgeous. I am secretly jealous of my mixed sisters. I wish I had their looks. But whatever, you can't win em all! I've been reconnecting with my other halves for the last year. I was doing it more for my kids at first, and now I feel as though its worked as a somewhat therapy for me. Either way, I had some anxiety about our dinner date, and of course, like everything else I get anxiety about, it was totally fine. Great conversation, good food and even better booze! I'm looking forward to getting to know Melody better as well as myself.
Now, with only hours left until the end of my day, I am making a promise that I will go to the gym tonight....as I say that I know its a lie because I have PVR'd Monday Night Raw for my "friend" and I know he will be over to watch...ugh. Life is so complicated sometimes!
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