Happy Thanksgiving!

Well shit. It's been a minute...but as depression and anxiety creep up on me, I feel like I should use my writing skills more and attempt to verbalize my angst.  Today is supposed to be a day spent with family and all that shit. I did, but I hated about 85% of it. I'm thankful for alot, yet hate so much. I am so angry. I know I'll be happy one day, but when? When will it be my turn? I know, I know....it seems like I complain A LOT, but I'm not. This is the shit that really goes through my head daily. Why can't I just be happy? Ugh. Its so frustrating. I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I dread the dry office talk, "how was your weekend? " fuck it...I don't really care what you did on the weekend, and you couldn't really care what I did either. Sometimes I absolutely feel like a total outcast at work. Like the blacksheep. It's worst than highschool. Just a big popularity contest. And I've already lost. Although I've never tried to win. One day, everything will fall into place. It just seems like right now all I do is struggle. Struggle with my own thoughts. Either way, its Thanksgiving, so I have to appreciate all that's around me. Especially my kids. Everything else is just that...Everything else.

Angry bitch

So yes. An angry bitch is what I am. Today anyway. After coming back from a relaxing vacation only to return back to the usual chaos of being a single mother. I don't think people REALLY understand what I'm dealing with. I'm an elastic band being stretched to its ultimate and feel like I could snap at any moment. I don't have the answers and I don't know what to do. I often think about ehat life would be like without kids. Who knows where I would be. LA. Atlanta. Who knows. I'll never know. All I know is, I've got these 2 kids who need a stable mother and at times I feel very unstable and unappreciated. I cook. They don't eat. I follow behind them cleaning all day only to be going in circles cleaning the same shit over and over again. I almost feel like I have completely lost who I am. I wish I had more support. I wish my family and friends truly understood what I deal with everyday. Its fucking rough and I hate it.

Reason 354 of why I HATE public transit

Observe the subject....nasty bitch sitting on the skytrain cutting her nails like she's at home or something. She then proceeds to clean the contents of said nailclipper on the skytrain. Really? Wtf is wrong with people!? If you recognize the woman in this photo, please, give her a swift kick in her teeth and then let her know she's a nasty heifer. Oh and of course she yawns with her mouth wide open too for everyone to see and hear. People annoy me so much.

State of affairs

For fuck sakes. Ive been in this debbie downer depressive state all week and im kind of over it. I think part of the reason is, I'm just not happy in life. Straight up. I feel empty and like their is so much more for me out there. My life is boring and systematic. I want to travel. I want to see things. I want to be deeply in love. I want to be needed by someone. Aside from my kids. I need to be fulfilled. I constantly feel like I put my heart into things only to be made to look like a fool that read the signs wrong. I'm over it. I see alot of shitty people that are in great relationships. What the hell makes them so deserving? I personally think I'm a great catch, but I'm going to be 32 this year and I am starting to get more and more comfortable with the fact that it may just be me and my girls. Am I ok with that....absolutely. I love my girls to death. But my heart and soul yearns for so much more and has room for so much more. Sometimes feeling close to someone is just not enough. Sometimes I can't get enough. But I don't know that im clear on what "enough" is. Am I needy or just lonely? How does one tell the difference? I feel like I've lived a life of which I shouldn't be finding myself lonely. But I do. Its an unexplainable feeling and not one that I enjoy. I often have a hard time falling asleep and staying alseep. I just cannot shut my brain off. Love, life, bills, money, kids....it never ends. Its a fucking shit show up there. But I think it all comes down to wanting companionship. I just want to be happy with someone. I constantly have this quote going through my head...."a love so deep even the ocean would be jealous"....I need that. I don't know what else to do to make myself a better person and make me more marketable for that special someone, but I'm convinced im just going to be single forever. Single with many guy friends who I've either dated or won't date or they wont date me because: I have kids and its alot of responsibility, my ex is crazy (which I admit, he is, but whatever!), they can't give me what I want (whatever the fuck that is) oh the list goes on and on....either way, that is me and my love life in a nutshell. Pretty fucking bland and depressing.
I'm convinced that this city is not for me to find love in.

Hold up, wait a minute

So, its been a bit over a week since my last post and so much has happened since! The first thing that happened was my ex's mom passing away. Obviously, the Grandmother to my children. It was a weird time. I am not at all interested in reconnecting with my ex at all, and this whole situation kind of made us connect. I felt bad for him. His mom was his best friend. But it still doesn't defeat the fact that I still dislike him more than anything. It actually pisses me off that I feel sad for him. Its a fucked up feeling. The kids seem to be ok.  Simone is way to grown for her own good and I could tell she was really just holding back tears the whole funeral. Just like her momma. Always holding back real emotion. I gotta get her out of that. It was a turning moment for my babies, but I know they know how much their Yia Yia loved them, and that is more than most can ask for.

Simone had her cast removed today, so she can now start physio on her pinky! Which leads me to a topic I've been wanting to bring up....there are times when my kids ask me questions, and I just straight up ignore them. I am not even going to lie. Sometimes their questions are so ridiculous, I have to allow them some time to just sit on it, because I don't think they have really thought out what they are asking. Like, holy shit. Does being a mother now make you psychic? We were going to the funeral last week, Simone asks me where it is, I tell her and then she proceeds to ask me, "how many stops is that?" (meaning bus stops).....she then quickly said, "oh nevermind..." and I'm like "damn right, nevermind. How in the Hell would you expect me to know that?! that's just crazy!" I don't even know where she comes up with this shit. Either way, I think us as parents need to do this more often. Honestly,  we can't really be expected to answer every retarded question these little people have?? Come on. What the Hell is Google for then?? They need to be more self sufficient. Love me or hate me, I don't give a shit, I WILL and have told my Simone to Google shit. Google is the Daddy in my house, lol.  I remember teachers in school telling me to try and figure it before coming to them....nowadays, even grown ass people in the workplace, are always asking redundant questions and looking for re-assurance....what happened to these people as children??? I watch my supervisor (bless her heart) get some real asshole questions from people that should really know the answers. Her method is to basically put the question back on them with the hopes that it reassures them and their confidence. Great. She is a great supervisor for many reasons, this being one of them. I told her last week, I respect her for what she does, cause if I were her, I would be like Mr. Burns and have an opening at the foot of my desk that I could just dispose of the foolish people and their asshole questions. Girl bye!

Noticed last week that my learners licence that I have had for over 16 yrs. has expired once again! FML. One day people. One day. Cause Lord knows I am tired of the assholes on transit. fools. they are all fools.

My girl Alana came into town from Thunder Bay and we had quite the wine date! I spent my whole weekend drunk and hungover. It was great! Completely lost track of time and didn't realize that I was supposed to be going out in an hour, which was funny because I was so wasted. I was a complete hot mess, totally reckless, just like I like to be on my days off! Saturday was similar, although that evening I enjoyed a delicious dinner at Las Margarita's with my nuggets and my half sister, Melody. The girl is gorgeous. I am secretly jealous of my mixed sisters. I wish I had their looks. But whatever, you can't win em all! I've been reconnecting with my other halves for the last year. I was doing it more for my kids at first, and now I feel as though its worked as a somewhat therapy for me. Either way, I had some anxiety about our dinner date, and of course, like everything else I get anxiety about, it was totally fine. Great conversation, good food and even better booze! I'm looking forward to getting to know Melody better as well as myself.

Now, with only hours left until the end of my day, I am making a promise that I will go to the gym tonight....as I say that I know its a lie because I have PVR'd Monday Night Raw for my "friend" and I know he will be over to watch...ugh. Life is so complicated sometimes!

What the?!

Sitting in the waiting room at Children's Hospital with Simone...not the way I expected to spend my morning. I made the mistake of taking her to a walk in clinc initially thinking it was a bad sprain and they would just put it in a splint, tape it up and send us on her way. But of course not. The Doctor we saw was a total ass monkey. Didnt even tell us his name when he walked in, looked at her finger and said, "she needs an xray"...like, no shit Sherlock! He was such a twat. Either way, we go, do the xray, they find a break and here we are at Children's Hospital. I am so tired and would much rather be in bed right now, so she better get a cute doctor I can ogle for the time being. Which brings me to a topic that is near and dear to me right now....my love of men! For some reason, since I turned 30, I am like a horny 16yr old boy going through puberty....its rediculous. I think its true what they say, 30 on is really a woman's sexual prime. But back to my topic of men...ahhhh! Ok hold the fuck...there is a kid in this emergency room right now messing up my fantasy moment. Shes funny as hell though. I wish I could record her, lol
She is just giving her mom straight goods right now...she is here for a sore knee but she is not going out without a fight. All of her 3yr old little body and clenched fists. She's looking at her mom, hair a mess and is screaming "mom! I won't go! You better take me home right now!" "Don't do this! Don't do this mom!"....trippin. another little kid came and gave her the stare down, lol...kids are so weird
Anyway....45 mins in this waiting room and we are still waiting! I should have just googled a remedy. Ok, this kid just screamed in the Doctors face and is now on the run....I'm gonna have to come back to this post so I can record this insanity. They are trying to give her drugs and she spitting it back at them, so shit is going down!

Welcome Bitches!

ok. So I am giving the people what they want. an insight into my crazy fucked up mind....you asked for it, so enter with caution, lol
I don't find myself extremely entertaining, but apparently some people think I am hilarious. Apparently just being honest, can be quite funny...I guess.

I'll be talking about real life shit here....just shit that I live and deal with daily. Boys, dating, drinking, SEX, kids, Government, money (or lack thereof) parenting, drugs, asshole people and of course, everyone's favorite, transit. I will be using this blog as a resource to get out some of my frustrations I have. If you are uncomfortable with any of the topics I have just listed, I suggest you leave. I am excited to finally get this started and hope you all enjoy my daily rants! <3 ms J